empty bathtub again
legs sprawled out on the
            cold
    after looking to see
how many times can i poison myself tonight?
        15 cold and allergy pills
        47 asprin
        hydrogen peroxide solution
maybe not enough to kill me, 'cause
        the body is
                    thick
hands, arms, muscles stacked
    inside, making it
        thick, and the will
    to live
i have misplaced,
    chestheavy,
        in my throat,
    and i
    can. not.
                breathe,
close my eyes and the
    in and out
        is struggling.
bones going to shit under me,
and, yeah, i'll admit,
    i don't want to live.

i can imagine
    the last hushed swirl
of dizziness, lying
    on the pink tiles,
ciggerette still burning
in the sink, not
    frantic, not frantic
        ever again.

    they want to immunize me.
ha. honey, don't you know
i'm already insane
and nothing can hurt me anymore?
        tousled. unnaturally black hair;
    wilderness forged by apathy.
you have tugged and the cord will not snap,
    so just let me fold.

i have run this course in my head before,
heart gushing blood into my
    throat, choking,
            coming up vomit.
50 copies of the same note
    written in vain,
    15 pills, 47 asprin, hydrogen peroxide
clean. no blood.
                    i won't come up for air.